Kate and I are blaring our favorite local metal band, No Turning Back, on the car stereo. We’re on our way to The Spot, which is this hookah bar venue on the rural side of Wander. My mom hates when we go there because I always come home smelling like smoke. It’s not my fault you can smoke cigarettes there. As soon as you walk in, the smoke parts and soaks you in. And it doesn’t let go of you either. It follows you out the door and all the way into your car. Whenever I get home after going to The Spot, Mom always stands up from the couch, where she’s been waiting all night for me, and shakes her head. You know I don’t like you going there, Haley.
“Who cares what your mom thinks,” Kate says as she changes lanes and reaches into her purse for her Kools. She flicks open the top, shakes her head, and tosses a cigarette into my lap. “You need to start buying your own damn cigarettes.”
“Yeah, I know.” I light it and cough out the smoke. There’s nothing else to do in Wander, especially in November. Wander’s in Northern Illinois, in between Milwaukee and Chicago and too far from either for us to afford going with our measly gas money. Most nights, Kate and I end up driving around in her dad’s old beige Toyota Camry, burning up gas in search of something worth doing or nothing at all.
“You shouldn’t let your mom control you. You’re eighteen. You’re an adult.” Kate cracks the window and takes a long drag.
The way Kate exhales, it’s like she’s a movie star. Smoke sliding out of her lips and billowing into the air—I can see why guys are always trying to get with her.
I take a few drags and my stomach turns. “So, who’s playing tonight?”
“Brian’s band and No Turning Back for sure.” She takes the first left. “Have you heard their new EP yet?”
I shake my head.
“You should definitely check it out.” She pulls out the car’s ashtray and smashes her cigarette inside. “It’s so heavy, one of the most legit things I’ve heard in a while. Not like any of that poseur shit.”
“Cool.”
“I need more cigarettes.” Kate changes lanes and signals right. She pulls into a parking spot on the left side of Lucky’s, the only gas station that doesn’t bother to card for cigarettes, and turns off the car. “Hey, do you have any cash?”
“I might. Hang on.” I start digging in my bag, the one I got at that head shop on Route 12. I have two twenties and a five, but I don’t really want to waste my money on cigarettes. “Sorry, I only have enough to go to the show.”
“Shit!” Kate riffles through her wallet. From where I’m sitting, it looks like she only has crumpled receipts in there, and for a second I consider telling her that I found some money at the bottom of my bag. “When your parents loosen their tight fists, you owe me a pack.”
“No problem.”
She gets out of the car and then leans back in. “Hey, weren’t you supposed to get a job or some shit?”
I start to answer, but she slams the door too fast. As she walks towards the convenience store, she throws her purse over her shoulder and crosses her arms tightly against her chest.
The sun has been setting ever since we decided to go to The Spot and, even if it wasn’t, this gas station would still creep me out. Besides its convenient no-carding policy, Lucky’s is the cheapest gas station in town, so there are always weirdos hanging around or going through the vacuum cleaners for change.
I slump into my seat and try to distract myself by thinking about who else might be at The Spot tonight. I hope Ethan is there, even though I never know what to say to him. He’s just so hot and, I don’t know.
Kate would know what to say. She always knows what to say to the guys she likes. So, maybe it would be better if Ethan didn’t show up. If no one cool is there, then Kate and I can make fun of the poseurs and their off-the-rack concert cosplay. Those shitheads always come to The Spot, so we are pretty much laughing the whole time. Sometimes I think it’s the best part of going there.
“Man!” Kate nearly scares the shit out of me when she opens the door. “Cigarettes are so fucking expensive, dude.”
I nod. “I know. Lame.”
“Let’s get out of here.” Kate packs the cigarettes against the dashboard. After a couple slaps, she rips open the packaging. She pulls a cigarette out and flips it back in upside down. “You want one?”
“Sure.”
As we start to drive, Kate turns the music up. It’s going to take us a little while to get to The Spot from here. I’m still surprised that a place like The Spot would stay open in this suburban wasteland. Maybe the owners got stuck here a long time ago and they’ve stopped trying to get out.
“Hey, are you hungry?” Kate asks as we enter downtown Wander. There are a couple of restaurants here, squished in between the dive bars and short-lived craft shops.
“Yeah, but…”
“Don’t worry about it.” Kate pulls into the last spot in a line of parallel-parked cars. “I still have some money on my card. You can pay me back later.”
“Okay.”
We get out of the car and walk into the Blue Moon Diner. There are two rows of booths on each side of the restaurant and three booths right in front of a large bay window. A narrow counter with stools takes up most of the space in the back. We sit down in the farthest window booth, our usual spot. Snow is starting to come down in soft flakes outside and it kind of looks like we’re inside a snow globe.
“Great. Fucking snow.” Kate takes a menu from the napkin holder and looks at the choices.
We used to like when it snowed. When Kate and I were younger, we would make snow forts with my little brother and throw snowballs at each other until our hands turned bright red. I wonder why we stopped doing that.
Our usual waitress comes up to our table. She’s an older woman with shoulder-length box-dyed blonde hair, probably forties, with nicotine stains on her fingers. She grabs the pencil and licks the tip. “What are you girls having?”
Kate looks back at the menu. “I’ll have two eggs sunny side up, bacon, and hash browns. Oh, and a coffee.”
“And you, hun?”
I look down at the menu. “Um, I’ll have the same thing.”
The waitress scribbles on her pad. “I’ll be back with that coffee.”
After the waitress walks away, we flip over the coffee mugs on the table and look outside for a few minutes. Now that it’s dark out, it looks like the snow’s falling harder, dropping down in big chunks on the sidewalks and parked cars. I look back at Kate. She sighs and leans her head on her fist as she stares out the window.
The waitress walks over to our booth and pours coffee into our mugs. “Just a little while longer on your food. You kids need anything else?”
Kate’s sitting there, still staring out the window, so I shake my head. “No, we’re good.”
After the waitress walks away, I take a handful of Splenda packets out of the sugar holder, rip them all open at once, and dump them into my coffee.
Kate turns from the window. “Got enough sugar?”
I try to smile. I don’t really know what’s gotten into Kate, but I can tell that she doesn’t feel like talking. She usually likes gossiping when we go to the Blue Moon. We talk about all the preps and jocks at school or the new girl her dad is dating. She hates that bitch, and I don’t blame her. I think her name is Tammi or Bambi or something. She hangs around Kate’s house a lot, picking up laundry and washing dishes like she lives there. And she calls Kate “sweetie,” and that really drives her up the wall. Nobody calls me “sweetie,” Kate says. Not even my mom called me that.
After the waitress brings out our plates and we’ve taken a few bites, Kate seems to be in a better mood. “Man, I am so psyched for Brian’s band. He was telling me about them the other day, and they sound awesome. He said that they are like No Turning Back but heavier, so it should be badass.”
“Cool.”
The waitress comes back. “You girls want anything else?”
We shake our heads, and the waitress slides a check onto the table. “Have a nice night.”
“You too,” we say.
Once the waitress has left, Kate turns back to me. “Hey, do you think Ethan will be there?” She winks at me and takes a bite of her bacon.
I pick at my hash browns. “I don’t know. Why?”
“Come on. You’ve liked him for how long? Don’t you think it’s time to, you know.” Kate pushes out her cheek with her tongue. She’s really having fun with this. Her fingers twist around her coffee mug, and she smirks at me before taking a sip.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ethan and I are just friends.”
“Come on, Haley. We both know that is total shit.”
“Okay, okay. I kind of like him. Are you happy?”
“You more than kind of like him, Haley. I see the way you stare at him at lunch. It’s practically pornographic.”
I know she’s right, but what am I supposed to do about it? I’m not like Kate.
“You know I’m teasing, right?” Kate picks up the check from the side of the table. “But seriously, we need to do something about this obsession of yours.”
“I guess.”
Kate finishes her coffee and walks to the register. I eat some more of my food and try not to think about what Kate said about me and Ethan.
“Come on, let’s go,” Kate says when she comes back. “I don’t want to miss Brian’s band.”
It’s still snowing when we walk out of the Blue Moon, and a thick layer of white covers the Camry. We wipe off the doors and windows with the sleeves of our hoodies and then get in the car. Kate shakes the key into the ignition. When she turns the key, the engine stalls a couple of times, but after some swearing it finally starts and we get back on the road.
“After dinner cigarette?” Kate slides two cigarettes out of her pack and hands one to me.
As we get closer to the Spot, the snow begins slowing down, only a couple stray clumps floating in the air. Most of the shops around are closing up and we sail through another part of downtown where two bars have opened for the night. A few older men are getting out of their trucks and walking under the awnings, hard hands cupped around their Dorals as they take each drag.
When we finally get out of downtown, Kate reaches for the volume knob and turns down the music. “Do you ever think about getting out of here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like getting away from Wander.”
“I don’t know. I mean this place sucks, but I guess I haven’t thought about where else I would go.”
“Well, I have. I mean, who really wants to stay in Wander anyway?” Kate continues, smoke sputtering from her lips.
“I guess you’re right.” I watch the road. Slush hits the bottom of the car as we bounce over a pothole.
“It’s not like Wander ever gave us anything. High school’s a joke. Nobody gives a shit about anybody else. There’s nothing to do.” She takes a long drag, and the cigarette tip ignites. Its glow covers her face, flickering bright for a moment before fading again. She blows out some smoke and looks over at me. “So what do you think?”
“What do I think about what?”
“Leaving. Do you want to get out of here?”
“Like now?”
“I don’t know.” Kate taps some ash out the window and looks over at me. “Yeah, now. What if we kept driving?”
“What about graduation?”
“Fuck graduation.”
I know Mom wouldn’t be thrilled, but I agree with Kate. It’s not like we’re doing anything after high school anyway. Probably just getting shitty jobs somewhere in this shitty town. “Where would we go?”
“I don’t know.” She bites her lip and takes the next turn, throwing her cigarette out the window. “Anywhere.”
“Anywhere?”
“Yeah, anywhere.”
I can’t even think of the last time I went anywhere.
“What do you think about California? I’ve always wanted to go there.” Kate smiles as she switches between facing me and watching the road.
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, Haley. Don’t tell me you actually like how fucking cold it gets here in the winter. Ice all over the place. Nothing to do because everyone is too busy hibernating and being depressed.”
She does have a point. The Spot’s rotating line-up usually comes to a halt around the end of November, and there are only so many trips you can take to the mall. Even when the snow starts to melt, it’s still cold as shit. Soon the snow turns to ice or melts into a sludgy mess.
“Now imagine California,” Kate says.
And that’s all she really had to say. I can imagine the sun in my face and closing my eyes as the sunshine warms my whole body. “That sounds really nice. It’s probably like sixty or seventy degrees every day.”
“Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about.”
“And we could do whatever we want, whenever we want. I bet there’s tons to do in Cali.”
“No kidding. Parties all the time, hot guys. I heard they have the best weed, like really good shit.” Kate takes another cigarette from her pack and nods for me to take one. She pushes in the car lighter. “Can you imagine?”
“Yeah.”
“So what do you say?”
I know what I want to say. I want to say, Let’s go. Let’s get the fuck out of here. I’m pretty sure we could drive there if we really wanted to. Driving until we hit the ocean, beaches stretching as far north and south as we could see. We could live near the ocean, maybe work in a boardwalk boutique selling cheesy souvenirs to tourists. We could watch the people walk by and laugh at all the weirdos. They might be going somewhere, but we’d be happy staying in that one spot together.
“So what do you say? Do you want to keep going?”
It does sound really good, but I don’t know if it’s possible even if I do tell Kate about that forty-five dollars I have in my purse. “Look, Kate…”
“I know, I know. You don’t have any money, and I don’t either. It was a stupid idea anyway.” She turns onto another street, the one leading to The Spot. We’re only a mile or so away now. The car is quiet except for the low growl of No Turning Back playing on the stereo.
We pull into the parking lot a few minutes later. Other high school kids are standing around cars, smoking and shivering in the cold.
As we get out of the car, I want to tell Kate that I lied about the money and I’m sorry. I want to tell her that I would live her California dream if that means we could do it together, but I don’t know how to say that or if it even matters.
I follow her up to The Spot, the only occupied storefront in an otherwise abandoned strip mall. There’s no sign, only a blinking light in the window that reads OPEN. I can hear a band playing on stage and a vocalist screaming hard into the microphone. A man with short dark brown hair and a long goatee stands at the door collecting money from all the kids as they walk in. Two large tattoos reach out from underneath his black t-shirt and slide ink up his neck. We hand him our five bucks and walk through the door. Then the smoke opens up and sucks us in.
