From: cust_service@NickersonFoods.net
Dear Ms. Denise Phillips,
Thank you for contacting us about your recent purchase of Cheesy Crinkles. We are of course deeply sorry to hear about your unpleasant experience, and we will indeed study the photo you sent. With only the remaining half of what you call the “leg” in the photo, we aren’t able to identify it definitively. A burnt Cheesy Crinkle can appear to be many things.
Regardless, if that indeed came out of the bag, it is not the usual quality of our product, and we apologize. We would like to send you a free replacement bag of Cheesy Crinkles and a coupon for future purchase. Please reply with your mailing address, and we will send those to you immediately.
Sincerely,
Tammy Nickerson
Customer Service
Nickerson Foods
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From: cust_service@NickersonFoods.net
Dear Ms. Phillips,
Thank you for your prompt reply. I certainly understand your choice not to receive another bag of Cheesy Crinkles.
I’m sorry to have to inform you, however, that we are not in a position to reimburse your copay to Urgent Care. I consulted my supervisor, and he advised me that even if that had been a spider leg, and even if it had been from a venomous sort, the poison would be delivered by a live spider into your bloodstream through a bite, not via ingestion of a small amount of arachnid leg post mortem. If you still have the item in question in your possession, please send it to us for analysis.
On the bright side, he advised me that we can offer you a coupon for a free sample of our new probiotic Comfort Crinkles, in case any of your digestive issues happen to linger.
Sincerely,
Tammy Nickerson
Customer Service
Nickerson Foods
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From: cust_service@NickersonFoods.net
Dear Ms. Phillips,
Thank you for your update. I’m sorry that you are still feeling uncomfortable, but we aren’t in a position to reimburse you for anti-itch cream. It may be possible that you are allergic to wheat or something else you’re eating, or this may be related to another product entirely, like soap, lotion, or laundry detergent. Please consult a doctor to test for allergies.
And, it wasn’t quite clear from your message, but if for some reason you have decided to eat Cheesy Crinkles again, I would suggest stopping until you have determined the source of your food allergy.
Sincerely,
Tammy N.
Customer Service
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From: cust_service@NickersonFoods.net
Dear Ms. Phillips,
I apologize for suggesting that you were still eating Cheesy Crinkles. I was merely trying to determine why you might be attributing lingering health issues to them.
I’m glad to hear that you were able to determine the source of the itching. But no, I’m sorry to inform you that we won’t be able to reimburse you for the cost of the extra strength depilatory you purchased.
Might I advise again that you visit a doctor for diagnosis? And please send us the object for analysis.
Sincerely,
Tammy N.
Customer Service
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From: cust_service@NickersonFoods.net
Dear Denise,
It sounds like a lot has been happening with you. I’m really very sorry about everything you’re experiencing. I’m struggling to understand, however, how the products you’ve requested reimbursement for could have been a result of your initial experience with Cheesy Crinkles.
I am not in any way implying that the experience was not horrific. I can only imagine what it might have been like for you, relaxing at home, perhaps in front of the TV or reading a book, to find yourself looking down at the Cheesy Crinkle you just took a bite out of only to find what you perceived to be the bottom half of a dead spider’s leg between your fingers. I am not in any way denying that this would be a truly terrible experience—hence the free replacement and coupon we immediately offered.
But the recent request—six additional pairs of prescription glasses and two weeks’ worth of DoorDash—I’m afraid I’ll need some additional documentation about this before I can bring it to my supervisor for consideration.
Between us: I am a little worried about you. Have you seen a doctor as I suggested?
Sincerely,
Tammy N.
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From: cust_service@NickersonFoods.net
Dear Denise,
I appreciate your reply, but I have to admit, I’m not quite sure what is going on with the photos you sent. Is this from a movie, or did you take these pictures yourself?
I mean, technically, they’re great closeups, but I don’t think I can submit these to my supervisor.
I feel like you’re having a hard time right now, and I’d really like to help, but I don’t know if Nickerson Foods is the right place for you to seek assistance.
Sincerely,
Tammy
P.S. How did you get it to look like the spider was sitting at human-sized desk? Photoshop?
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From: cust_service@NickersonFoods.net
Cc: NNickerson@NickersonFoods.net
Dear Ms. Phillips,
My supervisor has asked me to contact you regarding an invoice we received from PetCo for 2,000 spotted cockroaches and 5,000 live crickets. Because we did not place this order, we will not be able to pay for them. We’ve contacted PetCo to clarify that we are not responsible for this purchase. I’m also forwarding the invoice to you for payment to PetCo (see attached).
At the same time, we must ask that you stop posting on social media spreading untrue accusations blaming Cheesy Crinkles for, as you put it, “the harrowing transformation that has rendered me into this unholy beast.” We are not a litigious company, so we would like to settle this matter in as amicable a manner as possible.
Sincerely,
Tammy Nickerson
Customer Service
Nickerson Foods
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Hey Denise,
I shouldn’t be contacting you personally, but after that PetCo invoice, Nick wants me to copy him on all Nickerson correspondence with you, which puts a little bit of a restriction on what I can say there.
I should explain, Nick’s my supervisor: Nick Nickerson. He’s my cousin. It’s a family business—Grampa gave it to him, the boy cousin. Nick likes to make it seem like it’s a whole big company but really, it’s just the two of us, and Crinkles are the only thing we actually make (lol).
Anyway, I feel bad about that spider in your bag of Cheesy Crinkles—I mean, if that is what happened. We still don’t have the thing to identify it. But either way, it’s what you feel happened, which is terrible, and I really hope you’re okay.
But look, Nick’s pretty hot under the collar about your whole “Nickerson Foods destroyed my life” campaign, like ready-to-sue hot. He likes to settle stuff like this face to face, so maybe you could just meet with him? I’ll bet you could figure out something that would satisfy both parties. I mean, why spend money on lawyers when you can settle on something and keep the whole pot?
If you’re interested, I could arrange a meeting. I’ve known him long enough, I can make him think it’s his idea.
Think about it.
Tammy
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Hi Denise,
Guess what, Nick just happened to have the brilliant idea of meeting with you (ha ha!). He even had the astounding “epiphany” that he could come to you, to keep the whole mess out of the public eye—that was a good suggestion, by the way, so thank you for planting that seed.
He’ll be driving down on the 15th—just happened to be visiting family around that time—so he’ll call you and let you know when he’ll be able to get away for a meeting.
And I’ll tell you a little secret: he responds well to flattery, so if you play your cards right, you could get a nice chunk of change for your trouble. Don’t worry, the company will be okay—he’s paying himself pretty handsomely from our profits. I wouldn’t mind seeing him knocked down to my salary for a while.
Tammy
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Hey Denise,
Have you met yet? How’d it go??? J
Tammy
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Hey, still no news from Nick—or from you for that matter. I know I’m being nosy, but what happened????
Tammy
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Hi Denise,
So, weird, Nick was supposed to be back from his trip, but I haven’t heard from him. Did he say anything to you—I assume you met up at some point…
Let me know,
Tammy
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Okay, I’m getting a little freaked out. Nobody’s heard from Nick, and our folks down there said he just went off for a drive one day and never came back. They thought he’d had some work emergency and drove back up here, but he’s not here either.
Please, tell me something. Police are getting involved.
Tammy
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Okay Denise,
I’m sorry, I can’t keep writing you anymore. In fact, I’m deleting all our emails, and I’m asking you to do the same. I had to give them the work account, but they didn’t ask for my personal one (yet). I tried to help you, so I hope you will return the favor by deleting these unofficial emails.
I probably don’t have to say this, since I haven’t heard from you in weeks, but unless you can tell me where Nick went, please don’t contact me ever again.
Tammy
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From: tnickerson@gmail.net
Denise, stop it. I mean it. I’m about to block your email. I don’t even know what was going on in your last email—I stupidly started reading because you said you were pregnant, and that you’ve always wanted children but never thought you would, “especially now” as you said, but this “unplanned encounter” changed everything.
And as a woman, I want to help other women in need, but…
Look, for the sake of this child to come, you need to get help. What you’re saying is—it’s simply not possible. And no, I’m not going to watch the nature documentary link you sent. Your obsession with spiders has gone Way. Too. Far!
Bottom line, you’re not well, hon. Please find someone to help you. I know I can’t.
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From: dphil2003@yahoo.net
Dear Tammy,
I’m sorry to bother you again. I’m sorry for so many things; things that have happened to me, things I’ve done. Things to come.
I fully intended to respect your wishes and not contact you again, but as I tried to tell you, it’s not just about me anymore.
I tried Nickerson Foods, since that’s where it all began, but my email bounced back. Even if I could still verbally communicate at this point, the company phone number seems to have been disconnected.
I suppose you were right when you said it was just you and Nick.
And he was delicious.
As were the officers sent over to investigate—well, the little I got to enjoy of them before their absence was noticed and backup arrived. Fortunately, I heard them coming. I wish you could feel it too, how sensitive my feet have become to vibrations, how easily I was able flatten myself to squeeze underneath the back door into the grass outside.
I can’t go back, of course. For obvious reasons, my home is no longer safe—I assume it was you who forwarded my picture to the police, the one I stupidly sent to you back when I thought you might help me.
For a while I managed well enough outside, found a tangled patch of woods to call my own for the summer. That’s where I met my—I don’t know what you would call him. I’d always imagined motherhood happening differently, but then, I’d imagined a lot of things happening differently.
So there I was, alone and in need of a burrow large and private enough for my future family. If you’d watched the video I sent you, you might have understood how it was for me, but once again you failed to assist me. I hope you realize this wasn’t how I wanted things to turn out. I had no choice.
Now time is of the essence—I’m using a phone I acquired from a hiker, and I didn’t know how much longer his face will keep unlocking it. I can only hope all my plans will come together. I’ve done my research and timed this message, delayed its sending until I could get everything into place. By the time you read this, I suppose we’ll both know if I’ve succeeded.
By now, I hope I’ll have slid underneath your back door and up the stairs into your attic. I’ll probably even have seen you sitting at your computer with your back to the door (I really enjoyed all your #lovemyneighborhood and #relaxingathome photos on Instagram, by the way). If everything has worked out as I intended, you’ll never have heard me tapping around in the attic, spinning a new cradle for my children right above you.
But don’t worry, Tammy, I can’t hurt you. I’m not there anymore. My eggs will have hatched by now, and if my children listened to everything I told them before they ate me, they will by now have spread out to fortify their forever home.
All you have to do is remain calm and bring in the weekly live cricket subscription I ordered and open the box at the foot of the attic stairs. My children will take care of them and all the other pests around here. I know you don’t like roaches, but luckily spiders do!
As long as you don’t scream and run out the door (remember how well we can feel vibrations?), they won’t hurt you. You don’t have to leave the house anymore—in fact, as long as my children are alive and well, you won’t be able to.
I just hope that by now you haven’t done anything rash, Tammy. I hope you’re still calmly seated and reading this to the end. Just imagine how pleasant life will be with my babies, your little secrets in the attic, your exterminators, your secret friends.
You might even hear them right now—they tap when they’re hungry.
tap
tap
tap
If everything works out, the crickets will arrive just in time.
